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A Cut Above - Beautiful Crimson

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2 YEars [Oct. 23rd, 2006|10:07 pm]
A Cut Above - Beautiful Crimson

[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]

Oh, my dear friends.
I read these posts and my heart aches for you all.
It's been two years since I last felt the blade slice into my skin.
It's been two years since the wonderful feeling of freedom that comes with it.
I still want to cut.
I want to so badly, but I never will go there again.
I guess you can call me 'normal' now.
But I am far from normal.
PTSD, OCD, Manic-depressive, former cutter; how is that normal?
I ache for you all because I ache for myself.
I'm free from the chains but I still wear the shackles.
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Never Again [Jun. 30th, 2006|09:01 pm]
A Cut Above - Beautiful Crimson

[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]

Okay, So I haven't posted here in ages. I think that my last post was like a year ago. Anyway, I'm still cutting. Not as much as I used to though, so at least I'm making some kind of improvement. But I feel bad that I let my boyfriend down. I promised him a month ago that I would quit cutting, but I ended up cutting the other day. I can't believe I let him down like that. But I did. And then I cut again last night. I did 4 more on my side. I promised him again last night that I would quit, at least until I get back home. I've only got a week left until I go back home and I'm hoping that I can make it. It's just that it's so hard for me. I can barely go a month without doing it. I really need to quit though because if my mom finds out about my cutting again, I'm gone until I'm 18. I really don't want that. But her and my old therapist said that if I cut again, and with my past, I could get put away in a hospital until I'm at least 18. So, I've really got to try my hardest to not cut.
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(no subject) [Apr. 9th, 2006|12:23 pm]
A Cut Above - Beautiful Crimson
Who are you to tell me how to run my life? How to treat my body, which you have bruised and beaten? You tell me not to hurt myself, but who the hell are you, if not the moster who introduced me to this state of mind? He said, they have no right to care about him or the things he does. And maybe to an extent he was right. I cut because I want the scars, he says, with pain in his eyes informing me of the truth. I cut because I don't want them to leave me. I wonder sometimes who he is talking about, the scars, or could it be his attachment to someone else? To something else. To a mindframe or a platform. I know what you are feeling, I said. You've seen my arms, you see my scars. You know of my mistakes. We all cut for the scars, I know the extent of that truth. But you are in pain. How deep is too deep when you're feeling something as overwhelming as this? Something so deeply rooted. I think sometimes that maybe I can dig it out. I never find the answers though, only blood and tissue. Only muscles and veins. He is a walking scar. He is a walking symbol. I've been able to cut down, he has cut up down around and out. He only wants the scars, he says. I see the truth. I have felt the truth, the proof of this fact covers fity percent of my body. In the end, we all just want scars.
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Haven't Cut [Mar. 3rd, 2006|01:57 pm]
A Cut Above - Beautiful Crimson

I haven't cut in a year and three months.
It has been so hard, but so far it's worth it.
I want you to know that you CAN do it.
The best of luck my friends!
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You call cutting a mistake, I call it a way to remember the mistakes. [Jan. 8th, 2006|10:05 pm]
A Cut Above - Beautiful Crimson

[Current Mood |whatever]
[Current Music |Blink 182: phantom of the opera]

You'd never suspect her to come home and cry.
You’d never suspect her to be dying inside.
Would you suspect your best friend to cut?
Things are not always as they appear to be.

Now i lay me down to sleep...
I pray the to lord my cuts aren't deep.
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(no subject) [Dec. 17th, 2005|02:31 am]
A Cut Above - Beautiful Crimson

[Current Mood |pensivepensive]
[Current Music |eminem: sing for the moment]

drink myself dry

snap till blood runs as free as if i sliced with a razor

blacken my heart, burn my body.

i just want to die. i need pain that lasts for eternity, only then i will be truly happy.
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Today didn't go too well [Aug. 11th, 2005|08:33 pm]
A Cut Above - Beautiful Crimson
[Current Mood |anxiousanxious]

Ok, my ex, well I was supposed to tell him I hate him and all this crap for using me for about a year now, but I couldn't bring myself to, again!
He was really sad today, he didn't even go to hug me. I think it's his brother, he has some sort of illness that can't be cured. He looks up to his brother, and I think it makes him sad to see that nothing can be done, even though it's not going to kill him straight away, but anyway. It took me a while to get that out of him, and when I found out, it had been 6 months since they had found out.
Show's how much he talks to me.
But today he looked like he was going to cry, he just sat there silently looking sad. I couldn't tell him that I hate him, because I don't.
I hate loving him, I hate the way he holds me and makes me feel wanted, and I hate the way he'll wait for me at my locker, then hold me for about 5 minutes and be late to class and get in trouble. They're threatening to kick him out of school, but he keeps getting into trouble for being late and wagging with me. The teachers want him to tell them I still hurt myself, but he won't.
I just want to sit with him and be held. You know that feeling when you just hold someone, and you don't have to do anything else, not even talk, it's pure bliss.

Onto cutting. I cut two nights ago. Only tiny little cuts. I don't need any more scars. That and my razor was blunt and the hardest that I pressed would bring these little cuts up. It was a failed attempt to hurt myself.. So to make up for the shallowness, there are alot.

I'll go now, I have to sms my ex and talk to him about us. Although I'm extremely sure that there is nothing there.
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Hey... [Aug. 2nd, 2005|08:31 pm]
A Cut Above - Beautiful Crimson
[Current Mood |blahblah]
[Current Music |Slipknot - (sic)]

Hi, I'm 15, in year 10 and I live in Australia. I just joined livejournal and this community, just seemed to appeal to me to join, makes me feel less alone, knowing that I can talk to other people who are in the same position as me, that have the same thoughts that run through their head, and if not the same, then similar.

My ex best friend cut, but that was because for some reason she wanted to be just like me, she copied everything and took anything she could of mine, including my then boyfriend, but I'm not entirely angry at her because he went along with it aswell.

I've cut for nearly a year now, and I used to scratch myself until I bled for about 6 months before that. I started off with tiny cuts, just so no one would see, because all I had were spaghetti bangles and a razor that the blade was stuck in. Then I went on to cutting deeper because I aquired a wristband and my razor broke and the actual blade was mine. I used to do it all along down my arms for months, before school, at night, I even had a razor and a folded tissue in my wristband, because it had a hole on the inside, that I would position in class so when I moved it would cut me, and the tissue would mean that my wristband would stay clean, so no blood would show.

Then my parents found out, because when we went on holiday to the beach, I refused to take off my wristband. So i stopped cutting on my wrists and started on my thighs, now I can't wear a skirt that goes just above my knees because I slashed words into my thigh.

My cutting has nothing to do with my family, but they did bring me up to have an aggressive nature, so i suppose that may explain some things.

I'll stop babbling now, read this if you want, i knwo i'll read the other posts.
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I' ve given up on me....Again... [Jun. 29th, 2005|10:46 pm]
A Cut Above - Beautiful Crimson

[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]
[Current Music |The silence inside my mind]

Well, I fucked up again. I cut. 37 times today. And in the last four days 40 cuts altogether. Isn't it just great? My mom is going to see them, and she's going to send me back to the hospital...I just dont know what to do....
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Hey I'm New... [Jun. 19th, 2005|10:28 pm]
A Cut Above - Beautiful Crimson

[Current Mood |confusedconfused]

Hey. I am new here. My name is Aimee and I am 15 years old. I have been cutting for about 2 and a half years now. I have been hospitalized at some behaviour hospital and I was just released 2 weeks ago. I have been diagnosed with depression and I take meds for it. Well, if anyone wants to know anything else about me e-mail me at vampyretears531@aol.com
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